Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My vagina is very pro this idea
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
