There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
