she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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