his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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