Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
