We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
