After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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