I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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