You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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