So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it's like iHOP with fire
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
