Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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