I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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