WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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