I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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