beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
