It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
