low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
