It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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