You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
