Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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