I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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