So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
