are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
