why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
