OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
