WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
