Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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