Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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