Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
