Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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