you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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