trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize