U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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