did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
