Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
