Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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