how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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