Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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