the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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