Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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