she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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