she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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