so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
