Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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