yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
