I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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