I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
