I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
