dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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