I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
