I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
