Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
