Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
