she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
