my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
