either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
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His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
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Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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