just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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